Sleep lost and thoughts unwound... this is today's theme.
Having got deep into a subject of research and completely sidetracked with thoughts as the internet tends to grip my mind and wheel me around in circles... I once again lost track of the time last night and before I knew what was going on it was 4 in the morning. Was I tired... no far from it. Was I ready to stop... nope not even close. Did I stop.. yes, because at some point in the night my clicks and bookmarks overwhelmed me. My windows were overflowing with connections that became circular thoughts and I had to stop. I had to step back and look at the big picture. What did I search for, what was the purpose of my original thought.
I stepped back and logged off. Laid in bed and having not been ready to sleep, I got engrossed in the next chapter in my book. Eventually the sun rose, I prayed, then went to bed. At some point during this time my thoughts turned off and I did not dream anything memorable. I did however awaken to noises in the house, to light in my eyes.. and a million thoughts in my head. I was given permission by my kids, my spouse, and my mother in law.. to get some rest and just sleep. This in of itself was what many a mom and wife would call a miraculous gift. I however was unable to benefit from this gift. I felt like I was in a weird dream, I tossed and turned and could not stop thinking. Thinking of all the things I wanted to write about.. not the things I had been researching but of topics that just needed to be told. Lists of ideas, smells, tastes, colors, histories.... it is just endless.
I eventually got up, showered and dress and roamed into the kitchen. I ate some soup staring at the vast ocean view.. and dazed again my thoughts spun around and around and around. Here it is another night passing away and I realize.. that foods were cooked, meals eaten, kitchen cleaned and re cleaned..yet I feel like I did nothing all day but think think and think some more. I know at some point in the day I conversed with my kids and spouse and mother in law... chatted with friends, had deep meaningful connections... but was I fully there today?
This makes me wonder how many days in our life are we not connected. Thinking of the next thing to make us happy, to bring us closure, to fulfill a need. Do we ever stop thinking? Is this what real writers do... wander through time until they just let the juices out????
I am finding that with wanting share my inner thoughts, I am also being dragged in an addicting sort of way into a new world. Just like the excitement before meeting a blind date, or taking a test, stepping foot onto new land in life and in thought... the butterflies are turning, the skin clammy and I have the jitters that just will not stop. Over the next few days I hope to sit and spew some of my past, some of my thoughts.. and parts of the story that make me who I am today. It may not be in a working order and may come out like a list of things that will need further explanation.... but because I refuse to turn back to paper and pencil lists I will just type it all out and see where the end result brings us.
Welcome to my journey.!
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